I do not understand myself as I start to move my foot as I cadence with the music. I was hesitant, should I be happy, sad or embarrass? Should I envy or get angry I do not know. I feel a cold ice running down my spine and my skin bears the goose bumps that give the chill. As I walk through the aisle going to my destined chair, I look at the crowd and the crowd stared back at me. Again that feeling of melting like an ice cream under the hot stare of the sun was the same state I feel as I march.

The music helps me boost my spirit to march to the beat of the occasion- the graduation. With me are my parents. I do not know whether I will take pride or be ashamed. Since they are here, should I be embarrassed because they are not my ideal parents. I noticed my parents as they walk with their heads up and wearing a wide smile. I doubt it, but we may differ in meaning. Are they smiling because other people are smiling? Or do they smile because they have to as the rule of the thumb in such an occasion and darn it immoral to break the social trend. Or are they smiling to hide their fears, the shame, and the anger for my failures? I am only asking.

My parents are canny and subtle they can smile and to hide their anger because lately I rejected the dress they bought for the occasion, they wanted to see me dressed for the occasion. Nevertheless, I succumb to their wish against my will. Again I ask myself, “Do I have to?”

The length of the aisle seems forever. If only I am allowed to run and break the rule of social ethics of graduation I would, even if it brings shame to my family of which they will castrate me doing such, for sure that will only put bring me to scolding, and everlasting wrath. As I walk I glanced at the people among the seats, their eyes are scanning and reading my past and deeds like a book. The people who do not know me throw me a “Do-I-know-you attitude” which I can excuse because I have the same attitude about them too. The others group of people who knew are more critical than ever. I felt embarrassment. While I try to read their eyes, they are silently saying, “What happened to this child?” “Why such children of such parent turn this kind?” “How in the world this child pass?” Perhaps I am wrong.

I saw in the crowd my teachers, the teacher labeled as “ideal” was there busy with her cell phone, she doesn’t mind if I pass or not. Even to this occasion she doesn’t mind if I graduate or not. Anyway I have the same attitude too who cares? Then the teacher I could run away from, I wonder how he became such a teacher who could not even manage a class, our class is more a mess than my life, what a pity. His eyes is telling me, “Yes, atlas this student will be gone forever, shame.”

My eyes meet the eyes that I never wanted to meet, the eyes of the terror teacher, the dreaded teacher, the most hated teacher in my list, hated because he always pushed every student beyond their capacity. He is the teacher who gave too many requirements, too strict, and too mean. I do not understand such a nerd teacher, though a genius he was. He is always serious in the class but I find him very friendly during off classes. How could he be such dual personality, I supposed he is merely tough but not insane.

Our eyes met. As usual his eyes are inquisitive and asking whether I studied beyond expected or not. But this time his eyes is unexpectedly smiling, a sparkle I supposed that come only once a year, maybe every March, during graduation. This teacher’s eyes are smiling, let me guess is he telling me, “You done it you son-of-a-gun, go on continue doing well, you will make it through, you will be successful.” Yes I know he meant it with the nod that confirmed it. Strange teacher as he was, a serious teacher and good friend rolled into one.

Alas, I was seated. Time flies so fast, my mind was away, I cannot remember what the guest speaker said. What the heck, I will forget about it soon anyway. I was thinking about what college life is.

I was jolted on my seat when my name was called. Yes, many hear that alright and I feel like a star. The cheer, the jeers and applause even boos made me an instant celebrity. For the first time, I felt acknowledged. The encouragement made me guilty. In my mind I said, “If I can only turn back the time I will do my best, again.”

I was coming up and excited. No not for the rolled paper props that acts as the diploma. No not the fake smile of the school administrators. I was excited that it will only be minutes and I will be out the secondary school.

Yes. I captured that moment I stood and took the last look at everybody. I threw my hand up and silently shout “World I’m coming!”

The last walk I felt triumphant. I do not know why I felt sad. What can I say? Where in the world can I find a school like this? One that I can say may not be the ideal one but really made myself complete. The school that served as my second home when I need one, the school that served as the second parent in the absence of my first. Yes, what else matter in everything I said? What matter most to me is my Alma Matter.