Many people have asked me the secret to success in exams. This is because I did well, despite all my teachers, friends, parents and everyone else who met me having the decided opinion that I was a lazy, good for nothing, thrice damned devil spawn, who would be lucky to get a job cleaning the floor of an underground station. Not just once have I succeeded, but many times, in every set of exams I have come across. Not due to any particular cleverness, but simple understanding of the way the system works, and how to exploit it to win. So, without further ado, I present this heartless, cynical, jaded presentation, of how to win at school, for the unscrupulous every man, who still wants a good life. Here they are then, the ten rules of How to Win at Exams.

1. Give the People What They Want

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   I cannot stress this rule enough. In the exam room, you are not writing for yourself, you are writing for the examiner. It doesn’t matter what you think is correct, or true, or worth telling people about the subject. All that matters is what the examiner think is true and correct and gospel about the subject. What you then proceed to do, is to write this on the page. Nothing else, not with your own insights or extra detail or anything other than what the examiner wants to read. If you want to be an individual, or create something new and exciting, you will fail your exams. So just wag your tail, trot along, and jump through those hoops like the good little poodle that you are. But how, I hear you cry, will I ever know what the examiner wants to hear? It is a good question, and the examiner wants to tell you. He wants you to know what he wants, so he can tick the page, and move onto the next script. Mark schemes and examiners reports tell you what they want. Learn these of by heart. Learn the types of question, the formulae that they operate on. Learn all the keywords that need to be inserted. Memorize faithfully what to write for 2 mark questions, 4 markers, 6 markers and for the essays at the end. Forget the bible, the mark scheme is your new gospel! Heed its wise words, for they bring you salvation. All these mark schemes, reports and so on can be found on the websites of the exam board you are using. Your school should, or course, supply all of this, but sadly, not all schools are as good as the one I was blessed enough to go to.

2. The Syllabus is King!

   You happy enlightened ones have now, I hope, learned the ways and forms in which your answers should appear, how the examiner wants it presented and how to make him as happy as if you had given him an extra Christmas and his own Yacht. But what shall we write with our new found skills? Only what is on the syllabus. This is not about objective truth, it is about subjective truth. Yes, I’m sure that the syllabus is sometimes wrong in real life. This is not real life! This is an exam, and in the exam the syllabus is the unadulterated truth of the almighty gifted from on high and is not to be questioned. Learn everything on the syllabus and nothing else. No extras, frills, or home truths can be given. Key words should be used at every opportunity. If you know that a case study gets you bonus marks, get that case study in there! You should know this, because you have learned the mark scheme for each type of question, and so you know what gets marks, and what doesn’t. Go through the syllabus piece by piece in your revision, and make sure you know what you need to know in enough detail. Don’t waste your time in reading around the subject, or in extra details that you find interesting or amusing or just cool. It isn’t worth it, and could cost you those all important marks.

3. Get the Marks and Get Out

   Revision done with, you have learned everything you need to know, so now you just have to write it right? Wrong. Timing is everything. If the examiner doesn’t tick it, you may as well not have learned it. Dance for the marks like a Vegas Call-girl dances for dollars. Know exactly how long you have for each is exam. Then, work out how many marks per question, and how long you have to get each mark. Then spend that amount of time on each question according to how many marks you stand to gain. It usually works out at around a mark a minute. When you are answering the question, remember that divinely ordained mark scheme, and write down exactly what you need to. Then stop, and get on to the next question. Don’t waste time pussy-footing around gingerly coaxing the issue out like a concert pianist gently building the crescendo of a concerto. Write the essential points you need to get the marks, then get the devil out of there. Keep track of how many marks you should have gained for that question in your head, and write one more marks worth of answer then you think you need to get full marks. That is time permitting of course. It is easier to do in science subjects, but essays have their own rules. Learn those rules. Every second counts. If a question is going badly and you are out of time, drop it and move on to the next one. There is no use being all noble about it, let the wounded die where they fall. This is war.

4. Love Past Papers

   Whatever the exam, there is no better way to revise then by doing past papers. Obviously they will be worse than useless is you know nothing, but if you know even a little, they are the way to go. Do a past paper, mark the past paper. Then go through it and highlight everything you did wrong with the mark scheme. Past papers and their attendant mark schemes are available on all good exam board websites. For Free! What more could you want. When you have done every past paper that ever existed for that exam (I’m only slightly joking here), you will know how they want it better than the examiners themselves.

5. Play the Patterns, Play the Game

   In this glorious modern world of ours, there is no such thing as failure. There is only deferred success. This simple truth gives you a little leeway with regard to retakes. In this leeway you can exploit to your supreme benefit. With all the past papers you have been doing, you should have noticed patterns emerging. They ask the same types of questions in different years and on the same topics. Since there is a limited amount of syllabus, and they have to cycle through it all, it is very possible to predict which questions are likely to come up. This is even easier if you get a choice of questions, as sometimes there whole aspects of the syllabus which, even if they do come up on the day, can be avoided by clever choices. Drop these areas immediately and learn nothing about them. You will not have to answer a question on them, so do not learn them at all. Likewise, if there is a clear pattern of one topic one year, other topic next year (not that it ever is that simple), revise as hard as you can for the topic that is more likely to come up. If there is a pattern at all, and there almost always is, figure out which questions and topics are most likely to come up, and learn them at the expense of the rest of your course. If you misjudge it? If you did it right, you shouldn’t have, but in the rare event that you do, there are always retakes and other modules to boost your score. Decent teachers will tell you the pattern anyway, and instruct you as to which areas are most worth revising. My history teacher cracked the pattern, so the entire class only revised one small aspect of the syllabus, taking the risk. The question we wanted was the one that came up.

6. Be Original

   “What”, I hear you cry, dropping the careful notes you’ve been taking all over the living room floor, “this completely contradicts everything you have said so far!” Listen closely young ones, for not only is it not contradictory, but in fact follows directly from rule one. The poor examiner sits there, marking hundreds of scripts. He reads over and over again about Hitler’s rise to power. When all of a sudden, it comes out of nowhere, and he is blindsided by the sheer originality of it. What is this, he says, perking up a bit. Someone has chosen the question on Russia! They have made my day, and I’m going to given them lots of lovely marks for making me happy. If there is room within the mark scheme, and I assure you that there is ample room, to differentiate yourself from the rest of the hackneyed, cynical, slavering dogs who are fighting you for one glance from the lord and master examiners eye (what, did you think you were the only one?) do. Choose a slightly different question from the one you think everyone else will pick. Revise the slightly more obscure and interesting examples. Make sure that the examples are only as detailed as they need to be, and are completely relevant to the mark scheme. Nevertheless, you can still spice it up a bit. It can even be as subtle as a slightly different writing style, or combining two case studies that are not normally paired. If you have seen the film ‘The History Boys’, then watch it again, there is good advice to be had in it. Argue contrary points of view to show how good you are at arguing, which is of course the whole point. Anything that is within the syllabus and the mark scheme that other people are unlikely to write will help the examiner be more sympathetic to you. And what does the examiner do when he likes you? He gives you lots of marks as treats!

7. Cram! Cram! Cram!

   Revise up to the last second. It is absolutely true that revising the night before, hour before, minute before an exam, can help you immensely. After all, you are not looking to gain a thorough knowledge of your subject; you can do that at your leisure. You want to pass exams, so cram like your life depends upon it. In a way, it does. No matter how much revision you have done, it is not enough. What else are you going to in the hours before an exam? I cannot count the number of times I have had a question come up that I had revised not half an hour before, and breathed a great sigh of relief. You don’t have to revise consistently over a period of months (although it helps) you can revise intensely for a week instead for similar results.

8. Relax

   Examiners can smell fear. As soon as they detect it, they will rend you limb from limb like a pack of rabid dogs. Forget about what you have just written, it is done. Move onto the next thing, what you are about to write. If you are nervous, think about what you are writing instead of your nerves. Get into a clear, Zen-like zone, where you remember what you have revised, and pluck each thing from your mind and slot it into place neatly, filling in the mark scheme like a master puzzle putter-together. Whatever you do, do not stop writing until the man at the front says, “Stop Writing”.  Something is always better than nothing, something can get you marks. If panic, everything else is for nothing. So take a meditation class, breather deeply, and get on with your exam! Panic is for the weak and feeble, not for hard-nosed exam hacks like you. As they say in high school musical “GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!”

9. Other Whorish Tricks

   These tricks may seem minor, but they can mean the difference between an A and a B, and the difference between the University of your choice and Llandudno Polytechnic for Amateur Hairstylists (apologies if that is your university of choice). Firstly, make sure your handwriting is legible. That is the minimum. If possible, make it beautiful and copperplate, but still legible. Not only is an examiner likely to mark as all false an exam script he can’t read, but he will also treat you better if your handwriting looks nice. It is true that nicer handwriting can make you appear more intellectual, and therefore make what you write appear more intelligent, leading to more marks! On that note, get a lovely pen, preferably a fountain pen. Parker is good. If you can’t afford it, ask yourself if spending £50 on a pen is worth it to get a successful career, a mortgage and an escape hatch from the dole queue and the mob. Trust me, the examiner will think better of you, resulting in more of the precious little things called marks. Re-use your coursework, examples from essays or problems you have done, all that effort has to be put to good use, so slot it into your exam at every opportunity. Why come up with a whole new answer if you already got full marks in it last month. Try to remember what you said before, and get it in there.

   Now we get on to the really unscrupulous tricks. Extra time. You name it, claim it. Dyslexia, psychological trauma, anybody can get extra time if they sign up for counseling, or get a doctors note. If you want the exam results badly enough, work out what is wrong with your mind enough that you can get 25% extra time, or get to use a laptop or whatever the benefit is. It is worth a try at any rate. Cheating is harder, and a lot more risky, so not only do I not advise it, I am very much against it. Most likely you will be caught and thrown out, and all your deviousness will have been for nothing. Instead, revise with friends, and help each other crack the code of mark schemes, examiner reports and all the other jargon. Two heads are better than one, and together, you can get inside the head of the examiner. Remember, if the examiner is happy, soon enough, you too will be happy.

10. What’s Done is Done

    Once an exam is over, move on. Until those results come through, nothing you do will affect anything, so just enjoy your life, or move on to the next exam. Good luck everyone, and I hope that these 10 rules will help you work smarter, and certainly not harder, and of course, get those all important results. Don’t let the system beat you, beat the system. (In my spare time, I am also a poetic genius).