NOTE: I don’t mean to be sexist by making some categories male-oriented, some categories female-oriented, and some both. This is just based on my experience.

1. The Party-All-the-Time Guy

Defining Characteristics: Unshaven, possibly unshowered, booming voice, will be sitting behind you in every class talking about how awesome last night was

Why They Suck: The party-all-the-time guy is fun to be around at first because of his infectious enthusiasm, plus he will hook you up with a good time any day of the week. He knows the drink special at every bar for every night of the week and most of the staff know him by name. So why does this guy suck? Two reasons – first, he’s probably gonna flunk out of school in the first year, leaving you without your hookup, but most importantly he’s too one-sided. Almost all of his stories will follow the same formula (“Oh man, on (insert day)…” -> drunkenness -> debauchery -> bodily function in inappropriate setting -> slept until 2) and if you invite him to a laidback night he will either blow you off or embarrass you in front of your less mayhem-oriented friends. Soon you will tire of his Andrew W.K.-ing ways and the two of you will drift apart.

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How to Recognize Them: Every single story, without fail, includes the sentence, “Oh man, I was so drunk”.

Where They’ll Be In 20 Years: Same town, still hitting up the bars every night trying to score college girls, but probably happy.

2. The Super Studious Guy/Girl

Defining Characteristics: Laissez-faire style of dress, usually sits in the front row and asks lots of really specific questions

Why They Suck: Almost the exact opposite of the party-all-the-time guy, these people spend every weekend either “catching up” or “getting ahead” on their classes and are never up for a night of making poor decisions. The super studious guy or girl might be a really awesome person who is just shy, or they might completely lack social skills, but either way they will resist any effort to get them to come out with you. Additionally, this person annoys everyone in their classes (including the professor) by asking an excessive amount of questions, and can’t seem to have a normal conversation with anyone without talking about how much stress their under or how well they did on their last lab report.

How to Recognize Them: This person will inevitably arrive to an exam a half hour early, presumably just to ask you incredibly specific questions about the textbook in an effort to freak you out and maybe boost their ego.

Where They’ll Be In 20 Years: Still in school (or richer than you)

3. The Does-Nothing Guy

Defining Characteristics: Much like the party-all-the-time guy – unshaven, unshowered, wears a robe/pajamas to class (when he goes)

Why They Suck: It doesn’t matter when you get home, call, or show up at his house, the does-nothing guy is just waking up. If it’s 4PM and you just finished your full day of class, you can find him in the kitchen making breakfast. If it’s 10PM and you’re checking to see if he wants to go out, he just woke up from his nap. He has tailored his life to be completely devoid of any responsibility and that burns you up inside as a hard-working college student. When you’re at class, he’s sitting in his room watching movies. When you’re doing homework, he’s playing Guitar Hero. Although it seems at first glance that the does-nothing guy is a lot like the party-all-the-time guy, really all he wants is to be left to his own devices all day long, and as such can’t even tell you about fun campus events (and usually won’t go to them, either).

How to Recognize Them: Well, if you’re friends with one you probably already know, but if not, just call everyone on your phone at 4AM. He’ll be the one who is awake “just “cause”.

Where They”ll Be in 20 Years: Same job as you, much to your chagrin

4. The Party-All-the-Time Girl

Defining Characteristics: Expertly groomed and made-up, flashy style of dress, can usually be found in flocks

Why They Suck: The PATT girl is similar in some ways to the PATT guy. She also knows every drink special at every bar (but usually goes for $8 fruity martinis anyway) and most of the staff know her by name (at least the male ones, who may have received some *ahem* favours from her). However, unlike the male version of this species who is mostly good-natured and inclusive, the female partier tends to be insecure and above all else concerned with her popularity and status. Above all else, the party-all-the-time girl tends to be vapid. Talk to her when she’s sober and she will talk about the last time she got drunk (probably yesterday). Talk to her when she’s drunk and it’s just a chorus of “Woooo!”s, so take your pick really.

How to Recognize Them: Will be travelling in packs downtown at night, supporting each other as they stumble down the street, drunk off of a shot and a half of Malibu rum

Where They’ll Be in 20 Years: Soccer mom

5. The Emotional Drunk

Defining Characteristics: None, it could be anyone!

Why They Suck: You’re out at a party on Friday night after a hard week of work. What’s the #1 danger to your fun? You might guess throwing up, but at least when you throw up you’ll probably have a decent story in the morning. No, the biggest danger is definitely the emotional drunk, who comes in all shapes and sizes. This is the person who is probably completely amicable and normal every day, but when they’re under the influence of alcohol all of their bottled up emotions come pouring out at the worst time imaginable. The underlying cause can be almost anything, whether it’s recent or long past. It could be that they just broke up with their significant other or it could be that they have an uneasy relationship with their mother – it doesn’t matter what the event is, all that matters is that when they’re drinking, it’s a source of unbelievable sadness. The reason this person sucks is that they’re usually awesome when they’re not drinking, but as soon as their lips touch the bottle it’s a constant game of tip-toeing around negative feelings and trying to keep them happy. You want to help them but at the same time, there’s nothing you can do but drunkenly console them at 2AM and tell them everything is gonna be okay.

How to Recognize Them: You can’t until it’s too late.

Where They’ll Be in 20 Years: Hopefully not married to you