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from THE GUY INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL

Foreward

I know some girls would love to buy a book on how to operate a man, but let’s not kid ourselves, women know far, far better how to operate a man than men do themselves. If I had to write a manual for the ladies on how to operate a man, it’d be completely X rated, because that’s all I think they need to know. This, my friends, is like a Zen Zombie handbook for guys. Girls, like, hold your hand over your eyes. You don’t want to see this stuff. It’s too stupid.

How To Cook

It’s best to learn this in the Army, where you were sent to avoid those troublesome criminal charges. Or maybe you were patriotic, and trying to impress your old man. Okay, assuming you weren’t killed in Viet Nam, Desert Storm, Iraq, Afghanistan, you already know how to cook. We’re not worrying about you guys. The government can take care of Vets. We’re talking about men who assiduously avoided getting killed in armed or unarmed combat, or even at their desks.

Once a guy gets kicked out of his house by his mother or father he soon learns that man does not live on McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Wendy’s, or delivered pizzas alone. What does he do if he realizes that at the rate he’s going, he can’t make next month’s rent. He’s got to start cooking.

First, buy ketchup. Eggs are really cheap too. It’s like twelve days of food right there.

THE COLLEGE GUY COOKBOOK

This is a really short book.

How many days does it take you to learn that the windowsill outside your window is a refrigerator?

That’s taken care of.

You have no money. If you have enough empties to buy one beer, you are in good shape to think about how to buy a hibachi.

There are other barbeque thingies that cost maybe 7 or 8 bucks, but you should be able to find a nice hibachi for $4.99 somewhere. Now, you are well on the way. Next, and this is very costly, invest in self-starting charcoal. Self-starting charcoal is man’s best friend, if he hasn’t got a dog. If you have a dog, I suppose charcoal is like a wingman for you. Most guys in college don’t have dogs, so, charcoal is where it’s at.

What do you cook?

Hamburger, numbskull.

By the way, any really thinking man needs to have the foresight to load up on little packages of ketchup if he’s so lucky to run into them at a fast food place. Get little packages of mustard, salt and pepper too—at the cafeteria—that’s a good place to look. Remember, you’re paying for that stuff, aren’t you? You’re not? Well, they’ll hound you forever, so, get the stuff.

How to cook a hamburger.

What, are you blind? Have you not seen that done before? Where have you been? It’s like watching the world series, watching hamburgers being cooked on a grill. All guys do it. If you haven’t seen this before, you need more help than I have to give. You must have watched somebody cook hamburgers. It’s not that tough.

Don’t skimp on the charcoal. Burned on the outside, food poisoning on the inside, doesn’t work if you want to see that girl again.

Practice, practice, practice.

How long does it take to cook a hamburger?

I’m thinking, two beers maximum—they’re done. If you’re really hammering them down, you have no future anyway. Maybe, one nice beer, bought with those cans you brought back—yes—I think like about 5 minutes each side—7 minutes each side for steak, if you’re a high roller. Did you say you like clams? You can broil those on the grill too (once they’re open—they’re done), but you need a tiny pot to melt the butter in. Check out the buck stores for that.

Raw clams. Wow, you are totally on your way.

You need the clam-opening knife. They are different from oyster opening knives. Buck store city. You need both. Okay, you already have the ketchup, now you need horseradish. Always, always have horseradish in a little bottle. You mix it with ketchup for cocktail sauce for the clams and oysters, raw. You need it for bloody marys. You can make awesome horseradish mayo sauce for corned beef, beef, or pretty much any kind of cold cut sandwich. You’ll blow that girl away. She’ll want to bring you home to her mother. She’ll think you’re going to cook for her. Are you? Hell no. But let her think so. Well, okay, on picnics it’ll like be your constitutional, patriotic duty to cook for your lovely babe, and maybe her kids, or even your kids if you’re so lucky. Wait, you’re still in college. But remember, you’re there to learn, aren’t you? Right. So, back to the curriculum.

Have a corkscrew somewhere, because the ladies like a bit of wine. Just a bit though, because who the hell is going to drive, right?

Hot dogs. At this point I’d like to say I’m kind of on the fence about hot dog rolls and hamburger rolls.

If you are in a dorm, yeah, you probably have to go with the rolls, since making a sandwich is tough when you have no kitchen. I’m talking cookouts, until you can get your own apartment and live off campus, or have one of those big rooms with a kitchen. Back in the Cambrian age, we didn’t have that. We had to move off campus. But, if you have a kitchen, I’m thinking—it’s really thrifty to just go with bread toast for the hamburgers and hot dogs—remember, you’re going to need drinking money—plus—you have to shell out for the babes at all times. They get a free ride in my book. Dutch treat, you’re talking some kind of commie/terrorist agenda—we don’t go there. Dutch treat is like saying—you can go out with anyone you want—we don’t care. When you pay for the girl, it’s like she owes you something—like another date. So, when you pay for her, it’s a nice gesture, saying that you want to go out with her again. Even if you don’t. Keep her guessing, so you can outrun her brothers. Granted, you have no control over losing her phone number during an arrest in Florida. There’s nothing you can do about that stuff. But, sorry I mentioned all this crap at the end–consider it like dessert.