Yes folks, its almost over.

Exams and end semester papers are nearly complete. With more work being done in the last 2 weeks than the entire rest of the semester, is it any wonder college students wanna punch themselves in the face?

But you have to wonder, are we retaining the information? Are the factoids, word association vocabulary tunes and alcohol binge study techniques helping us in our strive for academic excellence? Is selective hearing something we’re supposed to have learned in school? (WHAT?! I thought you said the test was open notes?!!)

I’d say were learning plenty of useful information. I shall demonstrate what I learned with the courses I took this semester.

Political Science
Fucking retards. There’s two in every class. As if the laws of nature commanded it to be so, one will be a fervent Democrat while the other will be a religious Republican zealot. They earnestly believe they are eloquent speakers loved by their classmates for their awe inspiring arguments. In reality, you want to watch each “Saw” movie for ideas on how to cause them unimaginable pain for making the class run longer than it needs to.

Physical Education
You are obese. Period. After this class, you’ll stop enjoying the various, delicious, unidentified substances known as the Big Mac and think about every gram of polyunsaturated and trans fat that will nest itself in your ass for the next month. You’ll be tempted to push aside the fake Ficus plant at the restaurants and read the hidden content of the nutritional label at the dismay of the Micky D’s employees. May God have mercy on your soul if you should dare to read (and understand) the ingredients list.

Sociology
If you have food, shelter and a cell phone, feel guilty for the people in Africa. Let your every waking moment of content be suddenly invaded with a crushing blow of contrite consumerism. Contribute your conquered cash to the crying commonalities of the charcoaled citizens of Africa. Alliteration aside, you have too much food, fat and too many AOL accounts.

Marketing
Your actions are not your own. Everything you have done, are doing, and are about to do was surgically and subliminally implanted by a commercial. With the precision and price tag of a half million dollar laser guided missile, you have been conditioned to feel specific emotions when presented with their respective colors. But that’s okay, because you think your one of the select few that is immune…

Advanced Creative Writing
There are no wrong answers. Everything is subjective and open to interpretation. A popular technique for this class is ripping off Edgar Allen Poe stories and changing every third word using Microsoft Word’s “Synonym” feature. If you fail this class, you should lie down in the middle of the nearest highway.

And to think, I pay for these classes…