Boys in our society are taught to be aggressive, physical and vocalize their feelings. They are expected to be loud and boisterous. We smile to ourselves when we hear about our son getting physical. “He is all boy” we explain proudly.

Girls in our society are raised quite differently. Girls are expected to be “nice” and cooperative. Girls are expected to sit quietly and avoid conflict. Girls are discouraged from vocalizing their feelings and encouraged to write in a diary. When we hear our daughters screaming we chalk it up to hormones. Oh, the poor female gender.

Take a stroll on any school playground in America. You will observe boys and girls playing a variety of activities. Boys will be interacting very physically. They will be playing kickball, dodge ball and other vigorous sports. Boys have no preference as to who they are playing with. A few boys will be lingering on the sidelines doing other things.

But generally the casual observer will not see many girls by choice running around chasing a soccer ball or playing a fast game of basketball.

You will observe girls of course. You will see some girls playing hula-hoop, jump rope or tetherball. A few might be playing the active sports with the boys. Where are most of the girls?

The girls are walking around in their own little social groups. The girls are talking. The girls are telling each other who is their friend and who is not. They are deciding which girl is to be included in their group and which girl is to be excluded.

The boys are out running around and venting their frustrations in a way which society admires. The girls on the other hand, are not supposed to be using loud voices or too much physical activity. So to vent their anger and frustrations they internalize it. They play mind games with other girls. They become “mean girls.”

But wait this is 2008 and not 1950-what am I saying?

I am saying that in 2008, girls will usually refrain from the physical sports during the 20 minute recess break. Instead they will use their cliques and social groups to establish their own hierarchy.

We all know about the premiere athlete on campus. His physical prowess makes him a marvel to everyone. He is elevated to a higher social class by his peers, because he is an athlete. Girl athletes are not treated the same way. Girls in our society are taught to “be nice” and not cause trouble. Boys on the other hand, are encouraged to speak their minds and be physical. Girls are encouraged to be passive and submissive.

As a result, we have groups of girls all over our school campuses that form “mean girl” groups.

Why? This is the way that girls learn to establish their own hierarchy. Girls do not want to hang out with just any girl. They play a mental game with their girl peers about whom they do and do not accept.

Society has already banished the girls from playing in the boys’ games. So girls develop there own psychological games against other girls to establish power. Girls cannot have power on the playground, but they can have power in the bathrooms and hallways of America’s schools.

I see the mind games that girls begin to play as young as kindergarten. A girl will come up to me crying and say “Suzy does not want to be my friend.”

“Why does Suzy not want to be your friend?” I inquire.

“Because it is skirt day and I forgot and I am wearing shorts” the rejected girl explains.

“Mean girl” groups have established rules and regulations that other girls must follow to attain membership into their groups. The “mean girl” group is generally controlled by one all-powerful member with several bystanders allowing the punishments to transpire.

In first grade, a member may be rejected for wearing the wrong outfit or the wrong color.

In fourth grade, it might be a girl not having a big enough slumber party.

In middle school, it can be the girl who does not smoke. In high school it can be the girl who refuses to try an illegal drug or have sex. In college the girl may join a sorority type group that is not community service oriented. These college groups are mind control oriented.

Later in life, the girl, now a woman may end up in an abusive relationship. She has learned to be passive and quiet. She will be yet another victim of society’s creation.

But girls want to be in these groups. Girls want to be popular. They feel are not really hurting anyone. Girls feel enormous pressure to be popular. Girls want close relationships. Girls base they own self worth on what the leader of the group tells them.

What can we do as parents if our daughter is having a “mean girl” problem?

We need to encourage our daughter to vocalize her feelings. We need to teach our young daughter to not be a bystander in “mean girl” groups. Bystanders allow the leader to play horrible mind games on other girls. Without the bystanders, the leader is powerless.

Most of all, we need to keep the lines of communication open with our daughter. We must encourage our daughter to take leadership roles and to pursue her own individual interests.

“Mean girl” groups are everywhere. But our daughters need to be confident and strong to resist the temptation. Let’s teach our daughters to be positive leaders and not mind controlled passive followers.