So you like girls and you think it might be time to find yourself a girlfriend. But how in the world do you go about pulling it off? Do you just send your resume around to popular local bars and hope some poor creature will show up at your doorstep? Do you leave a trail of assorted chocolate truffles from the nearest nail salon to your bedroom?

The answer is yes, you should try both of these things, but they should not be the only weapons in your arsenal.

My aim here is to equip you with some simple tricks that will bring women to your door by the truckload, possibly even by the boatload, but that’s only if you’re really good. And you live by the water. Like me.

So follow this advice—it’s not complicated, it’s not sleazy, it’s rooted in Medieval courtship rituals, so you know it’s good—and you’ll never have to be lonely again.

Always Carry a Baseball Bat

Girls love athletes and danger, and carrying around a baseball bat makes you seem both athletic and dangerous. When you go to a fancy restaurant, check your bat by the door or put it in the umbrella tin so as not to cause a ruckus. But make sure you’ve planted another bat in the restaurant bathroom beforehand, a la The Godfather, just in case things get messy. And they will get messy, if you follow every step of my system correctly.

If a girl doesn’t seem to go for the whole bat thing, break the bat over your knee. This can be incredibly painful, but it makes you seem like a total badass. If she doesn’t like the bat-breaking routine either, then tape the bat back together and move on. She wasn’t for you, anyway.

Should a girl be so bold as to ask you why you always carry a bat around, make sure to give a cryptic answer. Like “I had a bad time once,” or “This bat is just a symbol.” She’ll be shaking with ecstasy. Even quaking, possibly.

Seem Distant, But Not Too Distant

You want to achieve a delicate back-and-forth between being interested in a girl’s life and treating her with utter contempt. I say this is delicate because seeming too interested or too cruel can easily scare a girl away.

For example, you can ask a girl out on a date, which makes you seem interested in her. When she shows up at the date, though, you should throw a cream pie in her face or humiliate her in some comparable way, just so she knows you’re not that into her. A cream pie in the face says, “I like you, but I could so do without you.” And that’s what girls want to hear.

If a girl asks you directly whether or not you care for her, respond with an ambiguous metaphor if at all possible, such as “Does the sun care for the moon?” Or you can break your baseball bat over your knee at such a time, which will distract her for a bit. But you can only break so many bats before you realize it’d be cheaper and less painful to come up with a decent metaphor.

Bros Before Hoes

This has become something of a cliché, but it is nevertheless important. Women must see you as a man’s man who can’t be bothered to sit around and talk about doilies and table runners with a lowly girl.

So if a girl asks you out to dinner, tell her sorry, you’re supposed to meet your guy friends to watch a rerun of Grey’s Anatomy. If you’re at her apartment and she says she wants to have sex with you, tell her sorry, she’s gonna have to take a raincheck, because you’re supposed to meet your best dudes at the Episcopal Church potluck supper. This will make her very confused and very horny, which is what you want. If she asks to come along with you to the potluck supper—and she very well may, because girls love potluck suppers—just check your beeper or cell phone and say, “Damn it, they need me down at the station. Maybe next time, babe.” If you’re a cop or a fireman, great, and if you’re not, then this move will just leave her in a greater whirlwind of confused arousal.

Lie Your Ass Off

This simple trick is often overlooked. Because it’s less important who you are than who she thinks you are. So turn yourself into a person you think a girl would want to date.

In my opinion, the easiest way to go is to lie about everything, even things you don’t think necessarily need to be covered up. If your name is Greg, tell her it’s Helio, or Gunner. If your name is Helio or Gunner, then I don’t know what to tell you. Just dodge the whole question.

If you’re a stockbroker, tell her you’re a grafter. When she asks what that is, just admit that you’re a stockbroker. The grafter lie was never going to hold up, anyway. If you just got back from a vacation in Colorado, tell her you just got back from a business trip in Colorado. A big grafters’ convention. Just pray to God she doesn’t ask you any specifics about the convention, or you’re screwed.

History is written by the victors. So don’t be a loser and stick to the boring facts of your life. Write yourself a life to be proud of.

Be Unfailingly Spontaneous

Girls hate predictability. So make sure that whatever you do is completely out-of-the-blue crazy spontaneous.

If you buy a sandwich, for instance, a girl would probably expect you to eat it. What she wouldn’t expect is for you to pulverize it using xylophone mallets and then light it on fire. No, she wouldn’t forget that little display anytime soon.

So avoid routine at all costs. If you usually go to the bathroom to pee, mix things up every once in a while. Pee in the woods, or in your pants. Girls go wild for stuff like that.  

Spontaneity is especially important on dates. If you ask a girl to the movies, you definitely shouldn’t take her to the movies. Pick her up in your car, knock her out with a chloroform rag, throw her in the trunk, and take her somewhere she’d never think in a million years to go—an abandoned factory, the post office, Burger King. When she comes to, she’ll be so surprised she won’t know what to say. Except “Thank you, honey.”

So practice these five basic rules, and you’ll have a whole squad of girlfriends before you can say, “Alabama Slammer.” Say it slowly, though.

Good luck, and tell your new girlfriends I say hello!