You have a teenager in your house and your day can oscillate between perfect calm and wild turmoil (sometimes many times in a day). Drama, confusion, tension, word skirmishes and the battle of the wills dominate your interaction with your teenager and you feel frustrated, hurt, confused and lost. You wonder what you have done to create the monster before you who used to be your angel.

Before you go beating yourself up with your lack of parenting prowess, hyperventilate, take deep breaths and read on. There’s help for you and I’m speaking from experience. I have a fourteen year old and a blooming one on the way.

Understand Teenage Psychology

First of all, understand that confusion, angst and the need to exert themselves often characterize the teenage years. They are at the stage where they feel the need to grow up and be their own person. As such, loosen your reins on them. Allow them to explore within reasonable limits and establish their identities.

Choose Your Pick

The often repeated adage, “Pick Your Battles,” and “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff,” are good pointers to remember. Teenagers are prone to drama and power struggles. Instead of fighting over every issue that bothers you, pick the ones that are important to you and then stick to the gun. You may decide that good grades, religious activities and curfew are worth standing your ground. Once your teenager knows where you stand, they are more likely to comply to the few important rules than the one hundred and one that you may be tempted to implement.

Give Them Space

The average teenager has to juggle with many aspects of life—school, social activities, homework and peer pressure. Sometimes, it can be overwhelming, especially when they are trying to nurse that huge zit on their nose. Give them a place where they can relax and recharge. You may want to create a game room or a recreation area where they can just come home to.

Listen

Learn to listen and respect their opinion even if you don’t agree with them. Listen with your heart and try not to be overly critical. When in doubt as to what you’re hearing, ask question in a calm manner. I know this is especially hard when the issue at hand is touchy. Again, take five and hang in there, even if it doesn’t always work out. Your continual attempt to listen to them, even when they yell, “Leave me alone,” will be their anchor in their tumultuous world.

Yes is Better

Whenever you can say yes to a request, say it. Many yeses make the occasional No seem reasonable. Saying no to anything and everything just to enforce your authority and parental superiority will only fan the spirit of rebellion.

Share Your Story

When they face disappointment, rejection or let-downs, don’t be afraid to share your own stories of adolescence angst. They may roll their eyes and laugh at your tales of antiquity but at the same time, it may offer them comfort knowing they are not alone in their struggles.

Social Awareness

Social activities take precedence and you may find yourself delegated to the back seat. It is important for them to hang out with friends that you approved of. While you don’t want an unrestrained social butterfly, you certainly do not want a social recluse, so striking a balance between quality family time and friends’ time is important. And believe me, they will appreciate you for understanding that.

Parenting a teenager can be challenging but if you make deliberate efforts to smooth out the rocky areas, you well enjoy the journey, even if there are occasional potholes. On difficult days, it may serve you well to repeat the mantra—Accept them for who they are, love them unconditionally, discipline with love and set reasonable limits and don’t forget to laugh–with them, at them (in a good way), at yourself and yes, take five.