The Darwinator

Published on May 13, 2008 by Autumnrose in Teen Life
The Darwinator

A sarcastic sales pitch about a new machine I “invented” to clear the halls of my high school of stupid people.

I think my high school needs to call in an exterminator. No, not for insects (although judging by the cockroach corpse in the light we might need one of those as well). We need an exterminator that doesn’t exist yet, but really should. We could call it the Darwinator! I am speaking, of course, about a way to eliminate stupid people. Take, for example, the idiots who stopped smack dab in the middle of a crowded stairway to do one of those weird guy hugs where they clasped hands and then sandwiched those hands in between themselves as they smacked each other’s backs. I just happened to be behind these idiots when the warning bell rang, meaning I was running late.

Now, the Darwinator would look like a cross between the ghost-sucky-uppy machine in Ghostbusters and one of those little Roomba automatic vacuum thingies (only with the ability to hover up the stairs like the Dalek on that new episode of Dr. Who). It would whir right up, possibly making a faint beeping noise, and slurp up those two reprobates, leaving me with an unobstructed path.

Read more in Teen Life
« Financial Tips for Teens
What is all the Fuss about High School Kids? »

Many of you are probably gasping and saying, “How horrible! You want to kill them?” This is not the case. They’d just be disassembled into molecular particles, stored in something resembling a vacuum cleaner bag, and emptied out at the end of the day along with all the rest of the school’s garbage by the custodian, somehow reassembling. I haven’t gotten there yet, so any suggestions (preferably from a Nobel physicist) would be lovely.

There are still a few kinks to be ironed out, but if any corporation would like to buy this idea from me, they would make a fortune and make this school (along with the world) a much better place.

27
Liked it

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

18 Comments

Isheeta, posted this comment on May 14th, 2008

i love it..it is really funny.

sreema, posted this comment on May 20th, 2008

wow so funny i loved reading it !! :)

Janella Babree, posted this comment on May 20th, 2008

I hope you discover a less extreme way of dealing with annoying people, because they are not just in high school. They are everywhere.

chingchong, posted this comment on May 20th, 2008

good imagination really funny we wish we all could do that :)

Sweetsorrow2025, posted this comment on May 20th, 2008

haha i feel exactly the same way!!

RileyWalters, posted this comment on May 21st, 2008

Lol that’s awesome! I

mrs_bellatrix, posted this comment on May 22nd, 2008

lol it’s soo funny! :)

Arizonagirl7, posted this comment on May 22nd, 2008

Well, that is an exellent idea. I get so terribley annoyed with the idiots that surround me. If I only had a Darwinator…

xpuppyloverx1993, posted this comment on May 23rd, 2008

=]

Queen_Luna, posted this comment on May 24th, 2008

Loved it!

Vic_Weasley, posted this comment on May 24th, 2008

The Darwinator! lol! excelent idea and nice article!!

Grangergirl7, posted this comment on May 28th, 2008

You’re really good! :D

cae komanoe, posted this comment on Jun 1st, 2008

Best Idea Ever!

Lady Eris, posted this comment on Jun 5th, 2008

I totally agree, I get annoyed when people take their time walking slow and your right behind them and your in a hurry. If the Darwinator existed I would ask for a traveling size as well.

Lady Eris' 3-Headed Dog, posted this comment on Oct 15th, 2008

Head 1: I read it.

Head 2: I enjoyed it.

Head 3: It changed my life.

M J katz, posted this comment on Nov 23rd, 2008

Ha ha ha. Good idea! The way some people act as though only THEIR needs and wants are what matters simply helps to reinforce my belief that we haven’t all advanced as far as we think we have, evolutinary-wise. As I keep saying, “LOOK FOR THE TAILS”.

M J katz, posted this comment on Nov 23rd, 2008

Oops…sorry about the misspell of “evolutionary”…this just shows the importance of PROOFREADING BEFORE SENDING SOMETHING OFF! Ha ha.

jamie mullen, posted this comment on Feb 27th, 2009

First of all I’ve never heard any 16 year old use the word reprobate secondly natural selection does’nt care how stupid you are as long as you can reproduce good article though.

Leave a Response