Hello Laui, Nihau, Nihau! My name Sifu Dansac, I am Kung Fu Master, I am scientist, I am deep angry with lying propaganda lies constant broadcast on TV and appear in newspaper. Subject of lies is drug called cannabis , also know as marijuana, dope, skunk, weed, punk, wacky baccy, hash, brown, green, solid and many other name.

CANNABIS IS A DRUG, RIGHT?

Sure cannabis a drug, Laui, but so is Prozac and alcohol, painkiller and headache tablet. Prozac is proscription drug for depression and anxiety, side effects include depression and anxiety. Alcohol is most widely used drug in whole world, while painkillers are cheap, legal, highly addictive and potentially fatal when misused.

A JEHOVAH’S WITNESS TOLD ME THAT ALCOHOL WAS A FOOD…

Sure they did; them also probably told you not to chew betel nuts. Do you even know what a betel nut is, Laui? Jehovah’s Witnesses think betel nut a serious problem drug, even though it legal, cheaper than children’s sweets, and virtually unknown in the west. Alcohol, however is a poison; too much alcohol and you will die, plain and simple. Reason you feel so shitty after hangover is that you have poisoned you self in the name of fun and you body is now complain and recover. Cannabis will not kill you, no matter how stoned you are. You might be sick, sometime called ‘Pulling A Whitey’, but no amount of cannabis will kill you.

Too much Alcohol and you internal organs shut down, but more Laui die in car accident when drunk than from direct alcohol poisoning. More Laui also killed and injured in alcohol fuelled fights than from any other drug. In fact, more people die from alcohol related incidents in any given year than total number of fatalities from all illegal drugs combined. Alcohol is the number one killer drug on whole planet.

YEAH, BUT MODERN CANNABIS IS MUCH STRONGER THAN IN THE PAST…

Bullshit! Seriously, Laui, do you believe cheap crap like that? Cannabis is a plant, a relative of the stinging nettle. Say cannabis get stronger recently is like say nettles have mutate into Triffids. Strength of cannabis vary enormously from breed to breed and from one crop to another; good crop of good weed will get you very, very stoned, bad crop from bad weed will taste like funny-flavor cigarette and that’s it.

BUT I SAW SOME POLITICIAN QUOTING STATISTICS ON TV…

And wasn’t he convincing, Laui? Of course him was, him is paid professional liar! Statistics can be use to prove anything, Laui, simply by lying about them; did you know that 17.5% of statistics are made up on the spot? See how easy it is? Cannabis statistics twisted same way; politician looks at THC content in cannabis from 1970 and measures absolute weakest breed of dope him can find, say 1 – 3% THC content.

Then, politician look at absolute strongest samples of modern cannabis, say 15 – 18% THC. What him never mention is that you can still get cheap 3% THC stuff today, and you could always get super strong 17% stuff back in 1970. Laui, most cannabis in UK and USA is home-grown in garden shed by normal bloke like you and me (okay, maybe not like Sifu, him pretty weird, but you get the point).

Politician is try to tell you that man growing dope like cabbages is somehow genetically engineer super-strain of monster mind-eating cannabis that will utterly corrupt you. It is obvious rubbish, Laui! Cannabis farmer not have access to laboratory or high-tech stuff. Best him can do is hydroponics, which sound flashy but really just mean growing plant in running water without soil; that all it mean, Laui, and you can do it yourself without much effort or outlay of cash.

Serious now, people all over Laui world grow orchids and exotic flowers with hydroponics in them back garden shed; Sifu have done it himself and it is not hard. To suggest this method of grow cannabis will result in mutant strain of Earth-conquering alien mega-weed is as preposterous as say people can grow twenty foot orchid-trees or man-eating Venus Flytrap.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, BUT WHAT DOES CANNABIS ACTUALLY DO?

In a nutshell, Laui, Cannabis speed up the transmission of information through the neurons of you brain. It chill you out and make you happy, but some evidence suggest there may be minor damage to brain tissue from use cannabis.

Strangely, this evidence never quote by anti-cannabis people, probably because the actual evidence is sketchy and does not suggest that there are any severe or long term effects. Compare to alcohol, cannabis is pretty weedy drug; drunk cannot walk straight, him cannot speak without slur, him is stupid and aggressive and there is nothing to be done except for to wait until drink wear off.

Effects of cannabis, on other hand, can be shaken off; ever hear dope-smoker say “Hey, man, quit ruining my buzz?” This is because cannabis induce fragile mood of tranquility; using cannabis will always reduce you stress and anxiety, but to properly enjoy you must already be relax and happy. If necessary, stoned man can stand up, shake him head clear, have drink of water and get on with anything that him could do when not at all stoned; drunk man cannot do this, him is just plain drunk and that’s that.

For some reason, non-smoking girlfriends of dope smokers enjoy use this fact by nag and wind up them stoner boyfriend, just to spoil his buzz; if buzz could not be easily spoil, girlfriend not bother and soon give up nagging.

I READ THAT CANNABIS DRIVES YOU CRAZY…

Uh huh, Sifu hear that one too. Him hear many hysterical story about cannabis make people psycho, make them paranoid, make them aggressive. Ha, Sifu laugh; stoned man cannot start fight! It is not possible, and for to prove; if you are out and you see some man or woman act obnoxious, loud and aggressive, is him drunk or is him stoned? Him is obvious drunk.

You see man sit on sofa, watch TV, eat pizza and talk lots of funny crap, him is stoned and him is not cause any trouble to no one. As for paranoid or schizophrenic, no one who had met proper paranoiac or schizophrenic crazy-person would describe mild anxiety of regular dope smoker as paranoia.

HANG ON, ANXIETY?

Well, yeah; no drug is take you problems away, so smoke cannabis, drink beer or take Prozac is only put you normal anxiety off for later; eventually all that stress you have been chemically ignore will catch up, then you get nervous and paranoid, think you whole world is fall apart. This is natural side-effect of use any drug, and not solely link to cannabis.

Smoking lots of cannabis, like chain-smoker for weeks and months, will obvious mess up you head; imagine you drink beer like that, or eat painkillers like sweeties. Anything that affect you mood will have serious side-effects if you abuse it, Laui. Worst effect from cannabis is you get into you own fantasy world where there is only chilled happiness and no stress. This is dangerous because then you cannot cope when something from real world break you dope-stoned bubble, but this is because you have been live in dream-world and ignore reality, not because you smoke dope.

Cannabis is maybe help you get into dreamy happy state, but so does prayer; Christians just as stoned on God as serious weed smoker, and religious mania leave you far more divorced from reality than dope.

HEY, LEAVE JESUS ALONE; WHAT’S HE GOT TO DO WITH DRUGS?

Not much, except maybe that God make all plants, including nettles which make you cry and cannabis which make you smile. To say cannabis is wrong is like say God make a mistake, so put that in you prayer pipe and smoke it, Laui. Cannabis is ready to eat straight off the branch, while alcohol require chemical processes to make.

You tell Sifu which God is prefer; natural plant that him make himself, or man-made poison that make people fight and act stupid? Incidentally, cannabis is major part of various religions, from tribal peace-pipe ritual to Rastafarians who do not drink alcohol at all and smoke dope instead of take communion wine.

BUT CANNABIS IS ILLEGAL!

Oh, grow up, Laui and stop be such a sissy. Consider if cannabis were legalize; how much police resource would be use to control it? None, because it would not be crime; think of extra work police could get done on proper crime. Think of extra money government could raise through tax on cannabis; millions! Millions and millions, Laui, national deficit gone like snap of finger, overnight!

BUT CANNABIS IS A GATEWAY TO OTHER DRUGS!

Only because it is illegal! Reason cannabis lead to other drugs is that honest, law abiding dope smoker must associate with dirty capitalist drug dealers who pressure him to try cocaine and speed. Only other answer is either that all drugs, alcohol included, lead you onto slippery slope to become junkie; otherwise, you are suggest that cannabis is special, unique drug which magically cause you try other things; use you head, Laui, apply some logic.

BUT… BUT… WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

Poor Laui, so wound up with you anxiety and expectations of society. Look, would you rather you kids knew the real truth about sex and drugs, or that them knew nothing? Them will still get high and screw each other, no matter what you do; more them know in advance, less likely them get HIV from dirty needle or sleeping around.

Kids who know about drugs more likely exercise judgment, just like kids who know about sex more likely wear a condom. And if any Laui out there dare to say Sifu is wrong for promote sex education, Sifu will bring all him ninjas around to you house and smoke dope right on you lawn.

BUT POTHEADS AND STONERS NEVER SUCCEED IN LIFE…

So you think Keith Richards is a loser, Laui? You think Johnny Depp is big wash out? You think the Beatles, Johnny Cash, Tenacious D, in fact EVERY SINGLE MUSICIAN YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF WHO WAS WORTH SHIT, all of them, who are far richer and more successful than you will ever be, all of them are losers, huh?

Okay, so not all people who smoke dope is end up as millionaire, but point still stand: There is losers who do not smoke dope and losers who do; there is middle-class mothers who drop them spoilt kids off at school and then roll up big bone of home-grown; there is executives and politicians who smoke dope all the time and there is those that do not.

There is people from every walk of life who smoke dope, whether or not it illegal, and it not have any effect one way or the other on them successful career. Daft idea that smoking dope is preserve of underclass losers is just that; daft idea. Rich people do it too.

DAMN, BUT YOU’RE RIGHT SIFU

As usual, Laui. So what is Sifu really try to tell you? Basically, use you own head, don’t believe everything you are told on TV. A society where everyone smoked dope would be a very happy place indeed.

STEADY ON THERE SIFU…

Sifu serious. More dope equals less drinking, just for starters; that is real reason dope illegal. Long, long ago in misty ancient 20th century, breweries and alcohol pushers put pressure on government for to force cannabis off the market. That’s it Laui; that why it illegal, that why such hysterical silliness about evils of marijuana; rich, money grabbing brewery owners is not want to share them market with a rival soporific. That the only reason; full stop, period, nothing else.

Big money speak and politicians run around in panic to obey. Drugs being illegal is also make big money for arms trade; Colombian drugs baron and Afghan poppy-farmer is need guns to protect him crops. Funny how buy and sell guns is perfectly legal, while grow herbs for to relax and be happy is ban.

And Society would be better if more people smoke dope; people would drive slower, there would be less fights, less alcoholism, less drug dealers, less violent crime and less general stress all around. Sifu is agree with Bill Hicks; “Cannabis should not just be legal, it should be mandatory!” There should be special dope-police solely dedicate to ensure that everyone is stoned all the time.

The world shall hear from me again!