The discerning customer will choose only the finest in fast food dining. This can be a daunting task, as there are so many wonderful venues to choose from. It is generally accepted that McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell and Dell Taco are the pinnacle of gourmet fast food dining. They all have their upsides and downsides, but some are better than others. There are also many unanswered questions about them. For example, has anyone ever asked, “Who died and made Burger King the king of burgers?” This in-depth investigation will reveal which of these restaurants is the greatest.

McDonalds has the distinction of being the first restaurant to pioneer the gourmet techniques we all know and love. It was founded in 1938, after Ronald McDonald returned from his sojourn in Paris, where he learned the secret of cooking the French Fries. He founded what turned out to be the most successful restaurant chain in human history. He is still around and making commercials after having adopted his “clown” persona. The secret of his longevity is a top-secret surgery allegedly performed in a CIA base in Uzbekistan. Conspiracy theorists maintain that he is the leader of the Illuminati, and that his franchise is the next step of their plan for world domination. Alex Jones is considered the most prominent proponent of this theory.

But I digress. The point of this article is food, not conspiracy theories. Their French Fries still have their characteristic texture, which is slightly crispy without being too crunchy. Their burgers have a certain rubbery texture to them, which detracts from their rich flavor only slightly, however. The secret to their magnificent burgers is their dedicated workforce, which is highly motivated by the living wage and health benefits that Ronald McDonald provides. You will be hard pressed to find a better restaurant than this.

Taco Bel is generally considered one of the best Mexican restaurants in the United States. It was developed in the mid-1990s, to celebrate the signing of NAFTA, as a joint venture between the Mexican government, which was dominated by the PRI, and an American corporation. Nationalists from both the U.S. and Mexico have boycotted Taco Bell, referring to it as either a symbol of “illegal aliens taking our jobs,” or Yankee imperialism.

Their tacos are made with the finest beef from cows fed with food cooked at local French restaurants. Their tacos are matched only by their burritos, which are stuffed with fresh beans, rice, cheese, carne asada and sour cream. Though many object to Taco Bell on political grounds, their food is universally loved.

Burger King is named as such because its founder claimed to be the direct descendant of Emperor Constantine, the founder of the Byzantine Empire. They claimed that their great ancestor invented the hamburger during the war against his rival, Licinius. This has led to one of the longest running lawsuits in history. The owners of Burger King cannot produce enough evidence to sue Ronald McDonald for copy write violation, but they refuse to drop the suit.

There is controversy as to whether the burgers deserve the title of “king.” Although it is beyond dispute that they lack the rubbery texture of the McDonald’s burger, they also lack the strong flavor. Their fries, however, have gained world renown. Their al dente fries have the perfect balance of crispiness on the exterior and interior softness that keeps the customers coming back for more.

Dell Taco is a different story. Their appeal lies not in their food, but in their politics. Simon Bolivar founded Dell Taco as a symbol of prosperity and unity. Although Gran Colombia didn’t last as long as Bolivar intended, Dell Taco remains an inspiring symbol of anti-colonialism.

Of all the fast-food chains, the best in terms of quality of food is probably McDonalds. However, you will have to weigh the good burgers with the possibility that you are inadvertently funding an Illuminati/CIA operation to take over the world. If you just want to eat some fries, Burger King is your best bet. You can also eat there guilt-free, as rumors that they’re hiring a private army are largely unsubstantiated.