Aries (March 20 – April 19)

The sign of Aries is the Ram, and the story goes that you’re supposed to be most compatible with Leo, the lion, and Sagittarius, the archer. Don’t believe a word of it. What do you think happens when you put together a ram and a lion and an archer? That’s right. The ram gets the worst of it. You either get eaten or shot with a bunch of arrows. So don’t listen to those other horoscopes, and stay away from any Leo and Sagittarius.

Taurus (April 19 – May 20)

You’re full of bull. That’s right, you’re Taurus the bull, and you’ve pushed people around for far too long. Today, someone is going to put you in your place. And it’s going to hurt. Good for them. You had it coming. And get over it, you cry baby. You’ve shoved enough others around over the years that it’s about time you got yours.

Gemini (May 20 – June 21)

You’re a Gemini, which means you’re a two-faced liar. But much like poor Taurus above, today is the day you finally have to pay for all the trouble you caused. Been cheating on the spouse? The divorce papers will arrive today. Been stealing from the till at work? Not anymore; today you get busted on camera. So clean out your bank account and hide that money, then get ready for a long prison term. It’s over, baby.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today is your day to be crabby. But then every day is a day for you to be crabby. You’re a Cancer, and your sign is the crab. Today is going to be just like every other day. You’re going to make other people’s lives miserable. The best thing for everyone else would be for you to take a ship cruise and get lost on a desert island somewhere.

Leo (July 22 – August 23)

Being that your sign is the lion, you’ve got a lot going for you. Nobody screws with you. And today will be no different. Get out there in the world and live large! Roar a lot, and make sure everyone knows you are king. Tell your boss to go to hell. Tell your spouse off. Smack the kids around a little. Whatever it is, you can do it. Nobody will be able to stop you. Just ignore the guys in the blue uniforms pulling into your driveway.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Despite your sign, you’re no virgin. And everybody knows it. Boy, do that know it. Yes, they’ve been talking about you behind your back. Remember that one-time fling in college? Well you significant other will definitely remember this afternoon when that nearly forgotten one-night stand calls the house to let you know you’ve got a kid. And what the heck? Every other little piece of nasty history in your past is going to come calling today.

Libra (September 22 – October 23)

No one loves you. Never have. Never will. Oops! Sorry, about that. My glasses are smudged. Let me wipe them off. Ah, that’s better. Hm, let me look at the star charts again. Oh. No, you’re going to have a perfectly normal, humdrum day. Hope you read this far before slitting your wrists.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Scorpios sting. And that’s you. Today, you’re going to sting someone, and sting them good. So be prepared. Someone around you is going to do something stupid and it will be your job not only to point it out, but to point and laugh and make fun and snarky remarks about the person. So what if their feelings are hurt? You’re a Scorpio. You’re supposed to sting.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Stay in home today. No, really. Just stay home under the covers. This really will not be your day. If you have to call in sick at work, do it. Something really, really awful is going to happen if you go out of the house today. Maybe you’ll get hit by a train. Maybe a helicopter will plummet out of the sky into your car while you’re driving to the store. I don’t know. The stars aren’t that clear. But something bad is going to happen.

Capricorn (December 21 – January 20)

You are dumb. At least that’s what the stars tell me. You’re a real dummy. You’re so dumb you read horoscopes and believe what they tell you. Wow, that’s dumb. You really should try out a different hobby. Crossword puzzles might seem silly, but at least your mind is kept busy instead of turning to mush reading nonsense. Really, you should know better. Or maybe not. After all, you’re a dumb.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

It’s the age of Aquarius! Oh boy! Party party! Smoke dope like a hippie! Have sex with strangers! Drink beer until you’re calling ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends at three in the morning. Yes, it’s time to have fun. Today is all about you. But isn’t it always?

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)

What’s there to say about Pisces that hasn’t been said before. You’re a fish. That means you stink. And you stink a lot, especially today. It might be best for you to stay home, so as you don’t stink up other people’s day, but then if you do that you won’t know all the awful things that are awaiting you. You’re probably going to lose your job. Probably. But you don’t know unless you go to work and find out. Just remember, we told you so.