Aries (March 20 – April 19)

I told you not to read your horoscope for today, but you just had to go ahead, didn’t you? Alright, you asked for it. Today will be a terrible day. You might even die. That’s what the stars say. But I can put in a good word for you with the stars and the gods. It’s just going to cost you a little. E-mail me and I’ll tell you how to send money, lots of money, to my Pay-pal account. Then you’ll be safe. At least for one day.

Taurus (April 19 – May 20)

You are going to die today. Not today today. I don’t mean this actual day. I mean on this date at some point in the future. Hopefully, the far future, like forty years down the road. The star charts aren’t exactly clear on it. But for sure, you’re going to die on this day sometime. It’s going to be a long year until May 22, 2010, isn’t it?

Gemini (May 20 – June 21)

Gemini, your birthday is coming soon. That means you have to be extra nice to others if you want some swell presents this year. Too bad being nice just isn’t your thing, but you can give it a try. Who knows? It might even help. But the stars are revealing to me that you won’t be getting a lot of presents this year, and the ones you do get are going to suck. Oh, well. So much for being good.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You were abducted by aliens last night. And they probed you. Actually, you kind of enjoyed that part, you sick bastard you. It’s just too bad you don’t remember the abduction. The aliens mind scrambled you so you’d forget. But don’t worry, they’ll be back tonight. With a bigger probe. Have fun with it, you weirdo!

Leo (July 22 – August 23)

Do you really believe what you read in your horoscope? You should. Because it’s all going to come true exactly how I predict it. I’m in tune with the moons and the stars and the planets and the suns and the angels and the devils and … oh, where was I? This is supposed to be about you, isn’t it? Well, today’s going to be a pretty normal day for you. Nothing too bad will happen, nothing too good. Enjoy!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo, you should play the lottery today. Really. I mean it. Take your whole paycheck, or what’s left of it, go to the nearest convenience store and spend the whole wad on the lottery. The more you spend, the better your chances are for making big bucks. Get those scratch-off tickets, or Power-ball tickets, a little of everything. Play big, bet big. That should be your motto today.

Libra (September 22 – October 23)

You’re a dreamer, aren’t you? Maybe you want to be a famous novelist. Or maybe you want to be a rock star. Or a professional athlete. Or a brain surgeon. Or something big and important like that to make you rich and famous. Well, today, after all your struggling and hard work and years of tears and money wasted, you finally find out that … your dreams aren’t going to come true. Ever. Get used to it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Someone is going to come to you today with a secret. Don’t believe a word they say. They’re not telling the truth. It’s all a lie they’ve made up in their crazy, little mind. Once they have told you this secret, you need to go to the other person, the one the secret is about, and tell them everything. Including who it was that blabbed to you in the first place. It’s the right thing to do.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You don’t appreciate all that I do for you. That’s pretty apparent. Me here working myself to the bone gazing at the stars and typing what they tell me onto a computer screen. Well, if you’re not going to show me any appreciation, then I’m not going to tell you what’s happening to you today. So suck on that, Sagittarius!

Capricorn (December 21 – January 20)

Today is a day for work. You really need your job, and you’re going to find out just how much before the day is through. So, kiss lots of butt to your boss today, because it might be the only thing to save you once THAT BIG, BAD THING HAPPENS THAT I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT. You’ll know it when you see it. Sorry, but I’m not allowed to say any more than that. Really, it’s against my contract.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The stars and planets are all aligned, but unfortunately none of them are in your favor. Yep, it’s going to be another awful day. You should probably just stay home again. Sleep in late. Eat some leftovers. Let the dog out. And between doing all that you probably need to look for another job. They’ll only stand for you calling in so many times.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)

You incredibly foolish fool, you! I know what you did last night! The stars revealed it me. Brother, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do, and more than a few apologies to offer. You better get to it. Too bad if you don’t remember what you did. You still better come groveling. Groveling to whom? Don’t ask me. The stars didn’t reveal that much. I’m guessing it’s your significant other.

Other horoscopes

May 21, 2009