Aquarius

(Jan 20 – Feb 18) A nervous tick in your leg in the airport bathroom will be misinterpreted greatly.

Pisces

(Feb 19 – Mar 20) You don’t want to know, it’s just that bad.

Aries

(Mar 21 – April 19) Your ego will take a hit when Al-Qaeda passes you as a valuable target.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20) Surfing the web may be actually sicken you after you find unwanted pictures of your mother online.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 21) Your legs will have to be cut off after attempting to do the Soulja Boy dance. That’s right. It’s gonna be you.

Cancer

(June 22 – July 22) Do not go wave at the gorilla’s at the zoo during mating season, because you might start something you don’t want to finish.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug 22) High school will really heat up after you find out you have had a juvenile menopause.

Virgo

(Aug 23 – Sept 22) Your acrobatic skill of always landing on your feet will have its worse when you are diagnosed with cat diabetes.

Libra

(Sept 23 – Oct 22) The gods told me it was you who pooped in the hallways of your school. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 – Nov 21) Your school creed will plunge after you find out that the school geek is more popular than you.

Sagittarius

(Nov 22 – Dec 21) You will soon go into hiding after people find out that your flatulence worsens Global Warming more than the U.S. citizens combined.

Capricorn

(Dec 22 – Jan 19) Saying things like jk and lol will take a bad turn when U.S. Immigration authorities mistake it as a foreign language and ship you out of the country.