There is more than one way to make a living in the swamps. Back in the ‘80s, there was this fellow who made the rounds of the small towns, once a week stopping down under one of the many bridges that cross the Chatahootchee river, buying up all the wild critters you could round up, all types of snakes, tree frogs, bull frogs, box turtles, snapping turtles, and even toads, which he then crated up and shipped to pet shops overseas.

     If you’re thinking about bringing in a little extra money in this manner, there are a few things you must take time to remember.  Never ever put a bullfrog in the same cooler as 128 tree frogs, or by morning you will only have 8 tree frogs, and the fattest darn bullfrog you ever did see.  If you don’t want to head for divorce court, never ever leave a cooler containing an 8 foot cottonmouth on the kitchen table without something pretty hefty on top! 

     You do get to see some mighty pleasing country, drifting down the greenish gold channels of the muddied Chatahootchee waters on a warm summer evening in search of this expensive wildlife.  Loading the boat upriver, and drifting at a lazy pace, for the most part gliding silently under the canopy of overhanging trees one must keep a sharp lookout for whatever moves; snakes, water snakes, and tree frogs.  White egrets flash the browns and greens of the waterway, as in a famous watercolor painting.

     When fishing you learn to not put your catch on a stringer and hang it behind your canoe.  And, you get a real thrill when a 12 foot ‘gator grabs hold, and starts to spin. That’s the time when you need a 44 magnum on your hip, and a spare pair of pants.

     Growing a garden in Florida can be a real challenge.  After you have planted all those things with strange sounding names, Okra, black eyed peas, crowder’s, and such, you practically have to set out there with gun, poison, and bug traps, in order to get a crop before the varmints do. When planting for instance, after you get a row of seeds planted in their perfect row symmetrical rows, you don’t have to water them.  Sweat dripping from every orifice will have done the job for you.  Clothing takes on different aspects in the south.  The bottom of your T-shirt becomes a “hand towel” which you use to wipe off the sweat from your forehead, don’t be shy about it, everyone does it.  Your hands learn very quickly to act like windshield wipers as you go through the motions of swatting the gnats away, and when you drive down the road, your right hand is placed on the top of the steering wheel in order to be able to raise one or two fingers when you meet another car.  It has to be done, it’s the southern way of saying “hey,” while driving.

     In the north people will pay a fortune to have their bushes sculpted to look like things, elephants, buses, cars, houses, you name, they sculpt it.  Down South you don’t have to do that.  Just leave a shed, truck, car, boat, what have you out in the yard for a couple of weeks and before you know it you will have your very own Kudzu sculpture.  They say Kudzu which grows about 4 feet a day was imported by this bright fellow as feedstock for cattle.   Well, shouldn’a did it!  Now as it rambles its merry way on down the highway it swallows up trees, houses, barns, telephone poles, whatever gets in its way, and if cows were just a tad  bit slower, it would swallow them up too.

     If you ever heard of the “good ole boy” type of government, in swamp country, it is a reality.  The easiest way to get a job working for the city or the county is to have a relative already working.  If you think big government is crooked and things should be done on a smaller level, then I suggest you think again. 

     Now most swamp country city governments are so crooked, you could drill a well with ‘em.  It is the oddest coincidence that everyone who works for the city uses the same brand of toilet paper in their homes, and even odder, it is one you cannot buy in the local supermarket.  That also goes for cleaning supplies, brooms, mops, and other paper products.  You also catch a lot of city asphalt trucks who just happen to dump their “leftovers” on the driveways of those in management positions.  The police department employees take turns “bidding” the lowest bid for confiscated property at prearranged “low bid” prices.  Makes it right handy to feather your nest with a few “spoils of game.”  Now we have all heard about the police department that had a couple of kilos of marijuana in the police evidence locker…come trial date, they had to dismiss the case… all that was left of the two kilos was less than a couple of joints.  

     But of course, in swamp country, it does not pay to stick your nose into another’s body’s business.  It’s way too easy to become ‘gator bait if you happen to get in someone’s way who might be doing something a little bit shy of the law. This kind of blind sight is what allowed the largest shipment of marijuana to leave a county which I shall not name as I want to live another day to write another article, aboard County trucks, blessed by the local Sheriff, and all are good ole boys to the core.  You get used to it, it’s just southern living.

     Now, don’t get me wrong.  I loved the years we spent living in the south, the weather, the hurricanes, the slower paced way of life, not to mention the food.  Seafood gumbo with fresh oysters and shrimp.  Tomato gravy with White Lily Flour biscuits.  Fried okra, black eyed peas and cornbread.  I loved the turqouise blue waters of the gulf, the guiet backwaters of the bayous, and the beautiful merging of land and water that inhabits the river banks.   I also loved my years spent in the Pacific Northwest,  and now my home in beautiful majestic Montana, but it would be almost close to heaven here, if we could pursuade the powers above to make it complete by building a “Popeye’s”  Fried Chicken.