Last night a few friends and I were partaking in our usual “recovery Sunday” routine. While drinking our hangover helper of choices (mine happens to be orange juice) we began reminiscing in the weekend’s events. We chatted, laughed, farted, and made our customary 10-trips-to-the-bathroom-per-hour cycles. But during all of this “routineism” we began talking about the type of people the we commonly see at our parties. This is the list and description of each person that we came up with.

1) The “Life” of the party: Ahhh the “life” of the party, the role that everyone wants to be but not many people know how to be it or are incapable of being it. The “life” is the one that gets everyone drinking and keeps the merriment to a maximum level. They can often be seen wondering from group to group socializing with everyone present. They make sure glasses are filled at all times and is never one to turn down a round of shots or pass on a beer bong attempt. This being said the “life” must have a fairly high level of alcohol tolerance. Many people consider themselves this role and for this reason there is a lot of squabbling over who really is the “life”. My suggestion see the one who keeps everybody in a good mood, doesn’t cause problems, and is willing to go out of his/her way to make sure that everyone is having a good time.

2) The buzz kill: The buzz kill is the “life’s” nemisis. The buzz, is the one that brings the the mood of the party down. They get overly sentimental about past events in their lives and often try to draw sympathy from the crowd or group they are with. If someone is going to throw up in the main party area the buzz kill will be that person. They have a tendancy to bring everybody back down to earth in a manner that is so unappealing that the next person on the list may have to take appropriate or inappropriate action. That person is…

3) The shit stirrer: This person is the one going around nosing in everyone elses buisness. They often try to provocte other people into fights and often take an unnecessary amount of aggression out on the buzz kill. Although occasionally the buzz kill does deserve it. The shit stirrer is ususally seen walking around with a chip on his shoulder and should try to be avoided.

4) The Joker: This is the fellow who everybody loves or hates. He sits there with his friends across the room looking at you while saying something in his buddies ear. You know that you’ve just been made the blunt head of a joke. He will usually do this quietly in the corner until he gains confidence and begins announcing his usually obscene observations to the masses. All in all he is a merry person who most people enjoy accept for the one being used in one of his “observations”.

5) The Nudist: Not usually seen at smaller gatherings but almost always seen at large ones, especially when heavy drinking is involved. The nudist is the one that always manages to wind up missing some or all of their clothes. This can happen on a table, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, wherever. The nudist usually is the one that recives the most ridicule the next day. The nudist is also very prone to streaking and will quickly establish a reputation as being one.

6) The horny-underaged-girl: Ok, not always underaged but you get the point. This is the girl/guy that has their tongue in everybodys mouth and if someone wants to “get lucky” this is who they aim for. Usually loosy goosie in their ways they are easily influenced by those around them and usually are one of the ones with the biggest drinking problem. These people are easily taken advantage of (although they should not be) and exploited (again, they should not be). Please, if ya can’t have your liquor and keep your pants, please refrain from your liquor.

7) The Exploiter: These are the people that show up specifically to take advantage of the one’s mentioned above. Plain and simple. If you know an “exploiter” become #3 take ‘em out and let ‘em have it. They deserve it.

The father figure: This person is sometimes confused with #9 but really shouldn’t be. He/she is over protective of one or two specific people. They won’t let them drink, they won’t let them talk to certain people, and they usually won’t let them out of their sight. These people border line buzz kill the entire party. The music is always to loud for them, the police are always on the back porch in their minds, and everyone is always out to get that one person they are supposedly “protecting”. They often pull people aside that they beilive have alterior motives about their someone and attempt to give them stern warnings about touching so and so. Clue in to father figures and keep them at a distance, although it is sometimes quite pleasurable to snag their so called “protected one”.

9) The babysitter. The babysitter is the single most important roll in any party. Not usually necessary in small gatherings and babysitter is almost always needed medium and larger parties. Their roll is simple, take care of everyone and make sure nobody dies. The babysitter is usually the responsible one. Not to be confused with the father figure the babysitter treats everyone equal and allows everyone to have a good time. He keeps the “life” in line by not letting him pressure anyone who doesn’t want to drink into drinking. He discreetly pulls the buzz kill aside and either A) gives him a lecture to shut up and keep in cool. or B) puts him to bed and shuts the door. He keeps the shit stirrer in line by calmly defusing the bombs he creates or directs him to a waiting taxi. He will allow the nudists their freedoms but makes sure they don’t pass out outside and make sure they have their clothes or a blanket at the end of the night. He attempts to keep the horny girl from over drinking but if she does in instructs her to sleep with a friend or at least pick and good guy (hey I said he was the babysitter not God). He turns the exploiters away when possible but when not or if another couple is about to get lucky he makes sure they’re out of the way and provides a condom if necessary. The father figures usually will only have it their way so he lets them be but makes sure they aren’t bullying the rest of the partiers. The last responsablity of the babysitter is when the majority of the partiers have passed out or gone to sleep he makes sure everyone is sleeping on their side or belly. The babysitter does drink and does get drunk if it is their progative but they still have the ability to take care of everybody. Being the babysitter is an instinct that comes from experience and maturity.

There are several other characters at parties and quite frankly everyone is a character in their own right. Some other not listed above: The dare devil, the personal injury fanatic, the asshole, the bartender, the puker, and the munchie fanatics to name a few. Remember if you drink be enjoy it, if you have sex be safe.