As a caterer and banquet manager I’ve witnessed multitudes of wedding faux pas, etiquette no-no’s and just plain old tacky people. Whether you are an invited guest to an upcoming spring wedding or you are planning your own wedding, here are some crucial hints for carrying yourself with class, knowing the expectations and partying with style.

Engagement Parties

Once a couple announces their engagement, a close friend or family member may choose to throw them a congratulatory engagement party. The couple themselves may want to throw the party as a way of getting together with friends and family to celebrate their exciting news. This is an additional event and is in no way thrown for the purpose of receiving gifts. Therefore, if you are throwing any such party do NOT add any details about where the couple is registered in the invite or make any suggestive remarks about gifts. The guests at the engagement party should not feel pressured to buy a gift for attending the party. However, if a guest wishes to bring a gift, any of the following would be appropriate, assuming the couple has not yet registered: restaurant gift cards, a wedding planner book, shopping gift cards, toasting glasses, or even gift cards for airfare for the honeymoon.

RSVP

For those of you who don’t know what this means, it’s French for: Respond, whether you’re coming or not. Pretty simple, right? Many people just don’t get it and it creates a lot of stress for the person having the party. An RSVP aids the host with planning the amount of food and drinks for the event (Can you say B-double E- double R – U-N? Beer Run!) Obviously, if you RSVP, then you show up to the event. If, at the last minute something unavoidable comes up, have the courtesy to make a phone call so they are not preparing food for someone who is not there. Responding to a wedding invite is typically made very simple. In most cases, a self-addressed stamped envelope is sent and you simply scribe the number of guests who will or will not attend from your household. If the invite is addressed to your name and does not explicitly say “and guest”, then you are not to bring a guest. Always RSVP to any party, and do so as promptly as possible.

Wedding Showers

Typically, neither the mother of the bride nor the sisters of the bride throw the bridal shower, assuming there is someone else who can host. Whomever chooses to host the party should provide food and beverages, but not necessarily alcoholic beverages. It is rude to ask your guests to bring a covered dish or to provide drinks. If this is your idea of hosting a party you should step down and let someone else host and possibly offer to bring something. Throwing a shower may be a costly affair. If this is the case, and there is no one else to host the party, simply ask your close friends only to help out in sharing the cost. But do not require all guests to bring food and drinks.

At a bridal shower, gifts are given for the bride and groom. Please note, if you are unable to make it to the shower, you need not send a gift. If a bride is lucky enough, several showers will be hosted for her. If you’re a member of the wedding party or you happen to be invited to more than one shower, you’re not expected to attend all showers. At the shower, one of the bridesmaids or close friends should take care to write down all the gifts and from whom they were given so that the bride may send appropriate thank you cards. Persons who are not invited to the wedding should not be invited to the shower.

**Helpful hint: The bride may pass around thank you card envelopes for each guest to self-address to expedite the process of sending cards.

Thank You Cards

If you are receiving a gift of any kind, promptly send a thank you to the gift giver. This is a rule that applies to ANY gift giving. Not sending a thank you note after you’ve received a gift says that you are lazy, unappreciative and rude. I have sent wedding gifts in the past and when I never received my thank you card, I worried that the gifts never made it to the recipients. Thank you cards are not only sent to show your appreciation for the gift but also to acknowledge that you’ve received it and you enjoy it.

Wedding Gifts

When choosing a wedding gift, it is not always necessary to buy something off of the registry. If you are familiar enough with the couple to select a gift of your own imagination, then you should do so. Of course, money is always a welcome gift for any couple.

Do NOT bring a gift to the wedding. These creates an extra burden for the bride and groom and only adds to the already long list of things that must be done on the day of the big event. Please do them and yourself the favor of mailing the gift ahead of time. Although, you do have up to one year from the wedding date to mail a gift, as a general rule, just send it when you send your RSVP. Additionally, bringing a card with money in it can be very risky. When you consider that many other guests may have done the same, it places the burden on the couple of carrying thousands of dollars in cash and checks. Something is liable to got lost in the mix, or worse, stolen.

Bridal Party

Being invited to serve as a bridesmaid or groomsman to a close friend may be viewed as a honor, by most, and to others, a financial burden. For brides and grooms, do not ask someone to be in your bridal party unless he/she is a close, personal friend or family member. Do no ask someone to be in your wedding simply because you need to have an even number of males and females or because someone’s boyfriend or husband is a close friend of the groom. It puts the person in an odd position and he/she may feel pressured to comply. Keep in mind, being in a wedding is expensive. A bridesmaid’s dress typically costs between $100 – $200, plus the cost of shoes, jewelry, gifts and, possibly, the cost of throwing a shower.

Just because someone asks you to be in his/her wedding, does not mean you have to say yes. It is perfectly okay to politely refuse the offer. Many people have served in a bridal party several times, or they may have had a child who served as flower girl and cannot responsibly afford another wedding party. The bride or groom should be understanding if you refuse. However, if you oblige, you cannot back out later in the game.

The bride and groom should give all members of the wedding party a gift as a way of showing their gratitude for serving in the bridal party. A good time to present the gifts is at the rehearsal dinner. Typical gifts for bridesmaids are: jewelry to wear at the wedding, silver engraved gifts, purses or monogrammed bags. Typical gifts for groomsmen are: engraved flasks, personalized mugs, steins or money clips.

The role of the bridesmaid/groomsman is not to take the place of a wedding planner. I have seen bridezillas who have placed unnecessary demands on their bridesmaids, from being responsible for tying up every last detail the day of the wedding to helping with the invites. The bridesmaid’s purpose is to assist with planning events such as shower or bachelorette parties and help the bride to look great and feel relaxed on the big day. For any additional help, a wedding planner/coordinator should be hired.

Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties

These such parties are typically held the weekend before the wedding, but anytime within 1-2 months before the wedding would be appropriate. Keep in mind, having the party on a Wednesday, the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner on a Thursday, followed by the wedding on a Friday would be cramming too much in too short of a time, causing stress for the couple. Anyone can throw the stag party but normally it would be thrown by the bridesmaid(s) or groomsmen. When throwing a stag party, the host or hosts should honor the bride or groom’s wishes first, rather than throw the kind of party they would want.

The guest list does not need to include everyone who is invited to the wedding. On the contrary, it is oftentimes not even limited to those invited to the wedding. Since the stag party is more about a guys or girls night out than it is about celebrating the couples pending nuptials, the invitees and/or party planners may opt to invite some of their own friends who aren’t mutual friends of the couple. Ordinarily, if such a person chooses to attend the stag party they understand the circumstances and harbor no ill feelings.

Gifts are not required at a stag party but the bride or groom should not have to pay for anything that evening. If guests desire to give gifts, oftentimes, gifts that would be considered too risqué for the shower may be given at the stag party. For example: racy lingerie, sex toys, massage oil or gag gifts.

Weddings are unique as the individuals being married. This is simple outline for typical weddings and general etiquette for any type of party. Others invitees may not follow these rules and hosts may not expect this type of courtesy from their guests. Regardless of the crudeness of those around you, this is basic etiquette; the more it is practiced, the number of invites you get will increase and, quite possibly, the caliber of parties to which you are invited elevates!