You told them RC car. You screamed it for days, weeks, months. The one that does all the flips, with the neon colors, that can go 35mph and is street legal. Nope. Flying cockroach it is.

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You don’t understand the gift, were they trying to annoy themselves? For every half an hour charge at the docking station, you can fly the roach for five minutes. Good thing it only holds a five minute charge, you’ll be bored to tears by then anyway.

OK one down. Everyone makes mistakes! At least they didn’t get me socks this year, I specifically said no socks! You begin ripping through the bigger box; they usually hold the key. Wrapping paper aside you get that feeling you get right before you throw up. They got you a vase. Not just any vase though, a Japanese shouting vase.

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You immediately rip it open and put it too good use, directly aiming it at your parents for their clear disregard of your wishes and Christmas list. The vase works great, perfect for yelling all the curse words they had no idea you knew. You wonder if there is any other function of the vase and immediately consult the all Japanese instructions for use.

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You determine that there is no other use unless you have stars in your body that you need to regurgitate into the vase. At least if uncle Ray gets as tanked as he did last year he won’t throw up in the tree again, but inside your new Japanese yelling vase!

Ok there’s still a few more presents under there. Don’t panic. Maybe these are the joke gifts. You reach for a smaller package in your stocking. Man you love stocking stuffers, usually candy or a must-have trinket!  You tear through the packaging like a hungry dog and see M&M’s! Score at least something you can eat. As you remove more wrapping paper you are yet again brought up and let down.

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It’s not adorable you quickly retort to your mother. I see that it has my name personalized on it. Oh and it sings? Great mom, lets hear it sing. I bet its a poor rendition of something. Yeah, it is. The Mars company secretly laughs, knowing they are tormenting families around the world with off key yodels and chants, hung from nearly every christmas tree.

Ok you’re mad. You’ve gotten 3 crap gadgets you have zero use for. Uncle Ray is tanked and puking in your yelling vase. You didn’t even get your usual pre 10am chocolate fix from the M&M’s. You almost don’t care what’s in the next box. You lazily open it anyway. Your attention is perked. You see a small box, it’s got neon lights, its flashing, making a weird noise. You tear the rest of the packaging away to yet again be disappointed by a binary LED watch.

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Great. Mom has no idea what binary is, and you barely know what binary is. You have no idea how to tell time with it though. You think to yourself, “The one gift that COULD of been normal, a watch, something I actually could use, is chachi and useless.”

You see no more presents. Thanks goodness, you’re sick of pretending to care anyway. You decide quickly to b-line it for the cookies and bacon when Mom says to sit back down. Quickly stating “I’ve been saving this one for last.” Oh no, you’ve been here, you don’t get your hopes up, knowing it will be something completely useless. You’ll have no idea where your parents got it and why they even bothered. You lazily open the packaging, and see what looks like a remote, attached to a cable, in a white box… Is it the Nintendo Wii you never thought possible? Ripping open the rest of the packaging you immediately forget the flying cockroach and yelling vase and are shocked to find a Borescope. Then you realize you have no idea what a borescope is.

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After determining it isn’t used to play video games, you find out what it is used for, being put in small places to see where you couldn’t before. You immediately decide this gift could be useful in finding the ulcer you’ve given yourself over all the gifts. You smile and hug your parents.

Happy Holidays All. With hopes of bountiful gifts that you can use!