My phone is slowiy dragging me, kicking and screaming into the 21st century.  I taught computers for several years and was up to date until I dropped off the planet and became a Mom.  Now, I worry more about the cost of milk than whether or not I can text message.

Enter the new phone.  My old cheap phone finally gave up the ghost and started showing “No Service” signs every time I tried to make a call.  I went for three days trying to fix it, worrying about all the calls I was missing.  We all know what an important person I am and all those important people trying to reach me-all my friends!  So trying to be Zen with no phone working for the first day until I got the phone DT’s and had to go and get another phone.

Enter the fancy, schmancy phone.  I went to the phone store thinking all I really needed was my basic phone again, all I really needed was to make phone calls, right?  Wrong!  After spending an hour in the store looking at all the different phones, I was convinced that I needed to access my email, the internet, listen to music and I needed it all bundled into my new phone!  I walked in with an old beat up phone that said, “No Service” then gleefully skipped out with my high-end, fancy, it does everything phone.  I was proud that I hadn’t bought the computer that goes with it, I did have some self control.

My new phone was so fancy that it diagnosed that I am now blind.  Sure, it’s cool to access the internet on the phone, but how can that help you if you can’t see the page?  I am probably one of the six people that actually read the instruction manual and changed the font to larger letters on the screen of my phone.  Why?  Because I don’t look good in the Granny reading glasses!   Ha!  Take that you little techies who think it’s funny to sell phones to over 40 year old people with print that resembles the fine print in a contract.   The only problem now is seeing the letters on the keys of the phone….sigh, just gimme the damn reading glasses!

The second problem my phone has solved is that it made me a better driver.  With the phone I am now hoping that all the lights I hit along my drive home are red!  I don’t speed up to make it through the light as it is yellow, I gleefully slow down!  Now I have plenty of time to finish typing out the important email to my friend.   I stop at a red light and feverishly click away on the keypad, my reading glasses dangling from my nose but ahh!  The light turns and I didn’t finish my message.  Watching the car ahead of me veer into the grass makes me put my phone down until the next red light where I try to finish the message.  Of course, my friends sends back a WTF?  LOL!  I realize that I accidently left out an important letter from the word “public.”   Put those reading glasses back on!

The third thing my phone has helped with is quality family time!   I get no phone service at our mountain house.  No service, nothing, nada, zilch.  When I look at the phone as I pull into the driveway of the house I swear I see the shadow of a big fat finger there, sorry Charlie, you’ll be out of touch.  Now I have to sit and have meaningful conversation with my children because I can’t call all my girlfriends on my phone!  I can’t even text them!  Periodically, I put my phone to my ear just to get that feeling, like a placebo effect.  If I can’t take it anymore I drive around the top of the mountain with my phone out the window until I feel it vibrate that it’s getting a signal, my hand vibrates with it as I feel the rush of getting that IMPORTANT email message! (We all know that emails from my sisters are very important-LOL)

I can’t take my fancy phone back to the store and go back to the basics now.   I am so important that I need to stay in touch with my peeps via Twitter, Facebook and MySpace.  (Kelly is thinking about making casserole for dinner.  Kelly is sitting in traffic at a red light.)   I was OK before sometimes going all day before I checked my email but now I can’t be without it.  I’ve set my new phone to vibrate and sit it on the small of my back as I drive, knowing that all those important emails will turn it into a vibrator as they hit my Inbox, my phone is even taking care of my bad back! 

So I take my phone out as I ride my bike.  I’m playing music through the phone, my husband explains that it’s a music player too-now I don’t need the MP3 player!  The phone vibrates whenever an email hits my Inbox, I stop and read the joke my friend sent me glad that I was able to get this email immediately through my fancy schmancy phone.  I peer at the tiny keys trying to text back LOL.

“Are you OK?”  a motorist has stopped and yells out their window.

I hold up my fancy phone, “Yes!  I’m trying to text LOL!”

They hold up their phone in the car, “OH OK!  I know what you mean, enjoy your bike ride!”

I hit send then look down at my phone, great, I just sent LOT, I guess I’ve got to ride with my glasses in my pocket, you never know when I’ll need to send a text!